my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
