are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize