I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
It was confusing and full of hummus
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
