you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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