Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
