Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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