I hate your face
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
there is glitter all over my balls
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
