Christians are straight up FREAKS
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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