Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I have tasted many bathrooms
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
