Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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