i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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