My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
