The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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