so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
