God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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