sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
