I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
