Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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