he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
this will be a night to untag.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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