Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
