They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize