people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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