forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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