Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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