i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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