Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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