yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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