the condom got lost in my hair
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
