Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
