We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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