Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize