I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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