you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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