you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
