I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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