It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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