she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
