I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Randomize
