A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
