I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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