2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
