Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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