Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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