She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
