Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
