I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
