I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
