i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
