I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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