my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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