Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
