"it" just moved
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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