Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
