HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
