Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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