Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
