I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
