I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
