the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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