now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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