i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
