you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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