he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize