its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
