he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
