Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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