I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
