But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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