The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
