Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
