Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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